Generally, I write this blog very much based on my personal experience although I try to pre-empt what others may be struggling with or going through in their journey and relate to this also.
What I share with you today is a current personal struggle of mine. I cannot hear God’s answer to my question! The question I long to hear the answer to is this, “God, what am I to do for you?”, “What is my calling?”. If you have read my testimony you will know that years ago, I felt the need to study the Word of God and so I began an Access to Theology Course with Highland Theoretical College. This led to the Theology Degree I am now studying. Unlike many in my class I have no idea why I am there. Of course, I understand the usefulness of this subject and I have gained so much insight into the Word of God already, but what will this lead to? Many of the people I study with are candidates for ministry, they know their goal. People ask me, why are you studying theology? What will you do with this degree? What occupation does theology lead to apart from ministry? My answer, inevitably is, “I don’t know!”, “God told me to do it and I’m doing it!” Not the answer many are looking for I expect!!!
When my grandma’s were both unwell I spent most days with them and, although it broke my heart to see them this way I was able to bear it and I longed to be with them rather than apart from them. When I visited them in hospital, I had a longing in my heart to help others who were struggling around them. I wondered if I was to be a care worker, or perhaps a nurse? I love to look after people, one of the happiest periods of my life has been caring for my children when they were small, I wonder if I am to foster or adopt? Presently, I love to care for my furry babies, Winston, and Molly! In fact, I would have many more furry babies if only my husband would let me!!
When I see people in hospital or care homes, with little to no visitors and no one with time to speak with them, I think perhaps chaplaincy is the role for me, as in this way, I can provide comfort and point people towards Jesus! At the same time, someone recently suggested a Biblical Counselling Course which I undertook and thoroughly enjoyed so is counselling the occupation for me?
In my mind I feel as though I need to know so that I can be gaining the relevant experience meantime, while I am studying. To this problem I know the answer, but I am just not willing to take it on board!!! Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” There is a lovely piece in Corrie Ten Boom’s Book entitled The Hiding Place where her Dad seeking to comfort her says “Corrie, when you and I go to Amsterdam, when do I give you the ticket?” She sniffled a little, and replied, “Why, just before we get on the train.” “Exactly,” her father responded, “and our wise Father in heaven knows when we are going to need things too. Don’t run ahead of Him, Corrie. When the time comes that some of us will have to die, you will look into your heart and find the strength you need, just in time.” In this instance, the father is the responsible one who is more able to take care of the ticket, if Corrie were to hold the ticket, in her foolhardy youth, she may lose it. In this way, God holds our plans for us until we are required to know them so that we will not lose our way.
Every day I pray, “God, please reveal to me the plans you have for me and my husband?” and every day I do not hear anything back. Lately, I have been wondering if He is answering and I am not listening! Perhaps He answers without an audible voice! Perhaps I need to take note of what is going on around me and look for God’s voice there? The word of God is alive, it is working all around us, 1 Thessalonians 2:13 “And we also thank God constantly for this, that when you received the word of God, which you heard from us, you accepted it not as the word of men but as what it really is, the word of God, which is at work in you believers.” The Holy Spirit is at work around us helping us to understand the will of God, John 14:26 “But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.” 2 Peter 1:20, “Knowing this first of all, that no prophecy of Scripture comes from someone’s own interpretation. For no prophecy was ever produced by the will of man, but men spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit.”
To help me with this I have decided to create another Prayer Journal, this one will be entitled, “What is God telling me?” Here, I will record instances that suggest God’s hand, for instance, recently I have had many book recommendations given to me which are evangelical and missionary in style and I wonder if God is telling me something in this! I will write this down! I have been thinking about the homeless in our society and what that could be done to help them? This, I will write down. In this way, perhaps I will get my answer!! Of course, my answer may be this!! “It is none of your business.” To which I would respond internally, “What, but it is my life, surely I need to plan it out so I can fulfil what I want to do with it.” Wrong response alert! 1 sentence, 1 my, 3 I’s, yet it is not my or I, I gave my life to Jesus, Galatians 2:20 “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
I gave my life over to Jesus and therefore, it is no longer my plans but His and He will tell me only what I need to know at a particular time. If it is not necessary for me to do anything at this moment, then I do not need to know. When you think about it there is a particularly good reason for this. More than likely, I would mess it up! What God is planning for me may frighten the life out of me at this stage in my life whilst in 4 years’ time He will have prepared me for it, and I will be eager to get started! I can see this already. I used to be terrified of speaking to more than a couple of people at once and for this reason, I did not manage to attend my lectures last year as they happened, but instead watched them on a recording. This year I have attended many Bible Studies and built up my confidence each time so that now I am much less anxious when it comes to my turn to speak. Imagine, God telling Michelangelo as a small boy with his paint set that one day he would be commissioned to paint the Sistine Chapel, I expect he would have been a little daunted by it and this may have discouraged him! Or telling a small Boris Johnson that one day he would be Prime Minister and as soon as he began the job, he would deal with Brexit followed immediately by Covid 19! He may well have directed himself down another path!
So, all we can do is rest in God’s peace and take life day by day while always being alert to the sound of God’s voice in whatever form that may come to us! We must pick up our Bible daily as the Word of God is alive in Scripture and from this we may discern God’s voice, Psalm 119:105 “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.”
So, I leave you with my newest Prayer Journal entitled What Is God Telling Me? I have designed one with lines and another blank as some may like to write in sentences whilst others may find images more helpful and, in this way, there is room to draw, doodle, or mind map?
I hope that you find this useful in your journey with Jesus.
Love and Blessings